Adapted from an online discussion.
Dear Carolyn: My parents got divorced when I was a baby, and in my early childhood my dad wasn’t in the picture. He started getting involved around the time he married my stepmom, as I understand it, because she told him, “I could never be with a man who doesn’t support his kids.” My stepmom was wonderful to me throughout my childhood and now into my 20s.
This year my stepmom and dad got divorced. Both my mom and dad have expressed surprise that I'm still talking regularly to my stepmom, asking questions like, “Why would you guys still be talking? You're not even related to her!” My mom oddly seems to forgive my dad for everything he did in my early childhood, but holds some kind of grudge against my stepmom for reasons I don't understand.
Am I correct that I can choose whatever time I want with my stepmom and my parents have no say in it? Is there a good way I can explain that to my parents?
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— Stepchild
Stepchild: “Am I correct that I can choose whatever time I want with my stepmom and my parents have no say in it?": Yes.
“Is there a good way I can explain that to my parents?": Yes. “I love her.” As needed, you can add, “This is not up for discussion,” right before you decline to enter a discussion of this ever again.
Your stepmother sounds lovely.
Re: Stepmom: Tell your parents to watch “Clueless” and take it from Cher’s cranky, hard-boiled-lawyer father: You divorce wives [or husbands], not children!
— Anonymous
Anonymous: Everything worth knowing, I learned from “Clueless.”
Dear Carolyn: My partner hates my sister and I am in the middle. She delays having my sister and her hubby over for as long as possible, and this has caused my sister to feel rejected, but she hasn’t reached the point of asking me what is going on yet. My partner just finds them a trial to be with.
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I have been good about attending her family's events, although recently I have been holding back on going. I just know my sister will come to me asking what is going on, and I dread telling her the truth because it would hurt her so.
I don’t know why my partner can’t just accept that in-laws are part of the deal sometimes, as boring as they might be. She shouldn’t be putting me in this very uncomfortable situation.
— Uncomfortable
Uncomfortable: Wait a minute. Why is it your partner who “delays having my sister” over? Do you not exist, choose, invite?
And why so passive with your sister — you have to wait for her to ask?
That's the place to start sorting this out. Much closer to the root.
Being in the occasional uncomfortable position is part of life, but basic assertiveness gives you some say in that experience, and even preempts the next one sometimes. Please find your voice (with professional help, if needed) and stand up for what matters to you. Agree with your partner on a minimum frequency of visits, or horse-trade with her on some other thing she wants but you find unpleasant, or start making plans with your sister solo because you want to. There are lots of ways to do this, emphasis on do.
For the record, I find people who bore me to be a form of torture, yet still believe a defined amount of benign boredom is a fair sacrifice for a partner. Emphasis on partner.
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